Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
