Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
