Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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