I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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