Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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