I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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