I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
