i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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