saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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