This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
