so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
