ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
