I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
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There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
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just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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