True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
