I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
