I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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