I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
