Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
