Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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