I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
