my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
