It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
