1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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