I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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