For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
