Duck Duck Cougar?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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