Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
