Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
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