Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
