Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
