I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
