i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
