Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
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there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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