your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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