omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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