Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
