Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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