He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
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my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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