I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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