There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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