shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
