I accidentally burped into my bong.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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