I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
