If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
