He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
