Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
