i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
