i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
