True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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