matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Found your dick twin last night
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
