I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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