I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
