I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Randomize
