dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
