yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
