Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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