I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
