there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
