Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
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