What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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