So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
