I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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