sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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