Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
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Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
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he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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