Just fell off a train. Bad.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
