Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
