Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
